using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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