what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My dick has a subreddit
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
