I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
