I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
