Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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