You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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