saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
