you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
