If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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