I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
