I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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