I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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