it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
