Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
