Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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