We're facebook friends in real life
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
