I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
