You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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