you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
