Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
