Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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