My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
