Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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