my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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