I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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