We had to coat check the pizza.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
