just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
