You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
