Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
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