my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
