I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
