i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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