she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The air was thick with penises
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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