Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
