If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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