that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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