3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
