There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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