I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
