I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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