My friends, they love my intelligence
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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