It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
