i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
