I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
