Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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