my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
