Ambien. No doubt about it.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
