dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Randomize
