That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
