Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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