Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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