Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
