They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You ruined the universe
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
